I have been home now for 8 days and still finding it incredibly hard to settle back in to a normal routine. I have no focus to my life at the moment as I have given up nursing and my head is full of ‘want to do’ ideas but if I’m honest I’m not expecting any of them to come to fruition. I have always been and probably will always be a bit of a procrastinator.

As I have frequently done since returning home, I am lying here at 4am with thoughts and memories spinning round inside my head. This is when I read my blog posts, do a little editing, search on social media sites and contemplate what I can do for the rest of my life.

I look at all this material wealth that surrounds me, it may make my life more comfortable but it certainly doesn’t make me any happier. True happiness comes from the experiences you have had and the love you share with friends and family.

It’s always the same when I return home from one of my adventures, I’m like a tormented soul and have long periods of restlessness that can last for months. If I were a hedgehog, I’d dearly like to be in a state of hibernation 🦔

Eventually I’ll settle back into humdrum life and accept that what I did was to have had an amazing transient opportunity that, for a short period, enhanced my life but for now, like at the end of many of life’s journeys, I have to accept that reality hurts.

When I’m deep in thought, reflecting or over thinking, I write poems, I once wrote this which I think is poignant to the way I feel tonight:

Moving on

When all the world is silent

I listen from my bed

To all the buzzing little flies

inside my throbbing head

I try to close my eyes to sleep

And block out all the dreams

but all I hear above the noise

is painful silent screams

I’m drowning in this murky soup

Of choking lies and hope

I need to reach above the mud

And leave behind this rope

So why these tears from hopeless faith

From stupid expectations

I knew these dreams could only be

from wild imagination.

So far in my moments of contemplation I have come up with: a) organizing the import arrangements to bring the two dogs in the Cusco dog shelter that affected me the most, the ones I can’t stop thinking about, the ones I can still see vividly when I close my eyes – wee Cindy and Princess, I want to bring them home to live with me

b) start to fundraise to make money for the dog rescue centre;

c) approach pharmaceutical and medical equipment companies to donate analysis machines and sundries to Karumbe turtle sanctuary;

d) contact the vet school to ask permission to use their analyzers if I can get blood samples sent over from the sick turtles; e) raise funding to start a 1 year study into the reason behind the sick green turtles being washed up on the beaches and f) contact the World Veterinary Service charity to ask them to include both the dog and turtle charities in the list of organizations in which they send out vets and nurses to donate their professional skills free to help out with much needed treatment.

So many random thoughts going through my head every single night. All this intermingled with Christmas and the thought of going off to the Ascension Islands in February to volunteer in another turtle project- but that latter thought is a delicate one, I need to test the water with my husband and it’s probably too soon after such a short period of being home – that’ll probably go down like a lead balloon. So I’ll wait until the festivities of Christmas are over – or at least until the Christmas tree is packed away and back up in it’s residing loft space.

I received amazing news and a video yesterday. Segway, the botulism infested seagull, eventually regained his strength and flew back to where he belonged.

I was almost inconsolable as I watched the short video over and over. He, like me, had finally gone home but one of us was free to stroll along that all too familiar beach and soar high above the ocean screaming shrieks of joy and the other shackled to the ground stifling tears of uncertainty!

At this point I have no idea what my future holds, I may be sixty but I’m not yet ready to live the quiet life.